Open Letter to Shameless Panhandler:
Dear young, able-bodied, caucasian, healthy looking, female begger-person: If you have no job and no money, why is your ass so big? Last time I checked, groceries cost money. And listen blondie, it's about time you redid your black roots. Maybe someone won't notice that you smoke, dye your hair, and apparently eat enough for a family of four, and they'll throw you enough for that next box of clairol.
I don't have any money for you today, but I do have a groovy tip for you. That Arby's store that you are begging in front of is hiring. You're dressed as well as any employee in there. Why not mosey on in there and ask them for some money, and offer to show up and work in exchange? I think I'm onto something good here.
Best of luck.
Disclaimer: Wilberteets is fully aware that most homeless beggars are mentally ill and virtually unable to get and maintain a job and a household. My sympathies go to those and occasionally my money as well. But to those fat and sassy heifers flagging down the cars... they annoy me. People standing on the roadside, begging passing motorists annoy me, even when it's a good cause. There's got to be a better way.