I had a funny email conversation with my sister myramains today and I kinda wanted to post it, but thought she might not want it to go out... but she mentioned the sensitive issue in her blog, so I feel like I can post it. hehe.
Background: I was complaining to her yesterday because there is a man at work who I somehow have gotten roped into sitting with at lunch every day and I really don't want to sit with him anymore. I am so tired of trying to laugh at his so very unfunny jokes, which are relentless and never-ending. Plus he smells like a big dirty man, he's bad to look at, and his jokes are just so indescribably lame, I can't take it anymore. So I said I wasn't going to endure it any longer. But alas... today I endured and here is the email conversation that ensued:
Teets to Myra:
I just had lunch with the lame guy who's not funny at all. His other talent, besides being incredibly unfunny, is pointing out the obvious. He just regaled me with a lengthy accounting of how "The dark knight" broke a bunch of records,
and how Heath Ledger plays the Joker, and how the movie is getting good reviews. Thank you Captain Obvious. You'd have to be unconscious under a rock in the unibomber's shack to have missed any of this ubiquitous info! But he had to yammer forth like he had a decent topic. And Bonus: He has bad breath. ARGH. Had to vent. And how is your day going?
Oh NO! Stankbreath???? On top of everything else, STANKBREATH???? Holy feathered hell. Dude, I can't ante up. That's just the worst, and I got nothin to compare. Except, I accepted a dinner invitation from a listener earlier cause I was stumped and didn't know what to say.
He's a circus-fat guy called "The Jelly". He runs a produce stand by the intersection. I said yes. WTF?????????
Tittering Teets of Amused-ville answers:
Dude. Are you sure the jelly is not going to show up with a hammer, a rubber chicken, and a bright idea? When is this dinner taking place? I think this is worse than my unfunny and boring lunch with dookamouf. He has that breath that comes from 30 years of smoking and not much attention to hygiene. Sometimes I wish it was kosher to just say what I think.
So, going to dinner with the jelly eh?
I don't think you're ready for that jelly.
I think you should take a few glazed donuts with you in case he busts a move. That way, you can throw the donuts and thus create enuogh of a diversion to get away!
I slay me.
(ok... that was mean, but only my sister was ever gonna see it....)
Myra Answers back:
Major regret concerning the Jelly. I'm going to change it, and make it "bring lunch to the workplace" instead. The Jelly is a nice enough guy. He doesn't want to kill me. What I think he may actually want is a thousand times worse than death.
This is the result of a classic case of panic, like when you threw on the gas instead of the brake that time we went driving and went in the ditch. I SO didn't want Jelly to know that his appearance (not just circus-style-big-boneded, but also relatively unshaven, dingy-toothed and "not materialistic", i.e., shitty clothes) was a deal-breaker, that I overcompensated and blurted yes.
Rather, I thought, all in a
and blurted, "Well, I'm not one to turn down a free dinner, but my family has a thing every year and I'm not sure exactly when it is so let's let it get closer to the actual date before I choose a date..." which, in effect, is a yes. Shit. I said yes.
So crap. I wish I could say what I'm thinking, too, which is, "Hey, ya know, I wouldn't mind eating food with you, but I'd never, ever consider you romantically, so if that's okay with you, let's tie on the chow sack and get busy."
*sigh*...I have a date with a slovenly melon dealer.
p.s. definitely NOT ready for that jelly.
Funny stuff. It's kind of funny that we both had a similar experience there. We don't want to hurt their feelings, but the alternative is getting more and more painful.
She cracks me up. Slovenly melon dealer. ha
You know what else? I was thinking of Mr. Unfunny today before this email convo went down and my exact though of him was that he is "slovenly". That is not a word I use often, but it fits the circumstance so well. We both had nearly inescapable dealings with slovenly men and regretted it today. We often say the same thing at the same time, but this is getting ridiculous. Now we're mirroring each other's bad experiences.
This has got to stop.
PS: I slightly changed the name of the jelly to guard against google-discovery, but had to keep the word jelly in, because that's what is funny about saying she's not ready for that jelly. ha