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2012-10-07 - 4:08 p.m.

I'm alive! I knew this all along, but I haven't posted in so long that my 3 gentle readers may think I've shuffled off this mortal coil. I almost did, actually. I was hovering between the here and the there for a while. I had a wee surgical procedure done and that counts as a near death experience as far as I'm concerned. Nothing too serious. I'm all good now except for some bruising and soreness.

I have been living in my new house now for a couple of months and it's swell. I love it. It's wonderful to have enough work space in the kitchen. I loved my apartment, but there was just a galley kitchen, basically, and there was nowhere near enough space. Now I have a big granite island in the middle of the kitchen and I can lay all my ingredients out and I really enjoy cooking again. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my family and I've been busy planning my menu. I'm going to make the expected traditional stuff and add in a few new recipes. I have several holiday projects to do before Christmas, plus my Christmas shopping. I feel like I have not enough time to do everything I need to get done. I'm feeling a little poor too, since I've laid out so much money lately. I've really gone through some bucks. I've got to put the brakes on some spending. Some of it was unexpected expenses, like the surgery. I'm a little depleted, but still ok.

This is a year of spiritual work for me. Soul development, dontchaknow. I've been undergoing a big transitional period in my life. Buying this house was a big meaningful turning point for me. I realized at some point that I've been wasting time waiting for my beloved to show up, man up, and be a partner. Hi long term boyfriend. ::waves:: I know you will be reading this sooner or later, probably sooner if I had to guess. You may claim for yourself that it's YOU I am talking about, or you may assume that I mean "beloved" in a bigger sense of the word. Maybe I mean it in a generic sense, and not just referring to the YOU who wouldn't, or couldn't show up for real life.

I've always thought I would have a traditional happy ending with the shared home and shared life and I did think it would be with one particular person, but I was wrong to place any of my eggs in the "beloved" basket. I picked someone who was emotionally unavailable and who was broken in a way that would not cause me to have to jump before I was ready. (Quite subconscious, yet on purpose) I used to be very commitment phobic, due to a really unhappy 1st marriage and I didn't know if or when I would ever be healed enough to go back into marriage again.

Ultimately, my big love relationship didn't work out. I think I started to make him feel worse about himself by just existing and progressing towards my goals. I reminded him of what he's not doing and what momentous effort it would take for our lives to line up and combine. The gap was getting wider all the time because I was growing and moving forward and he was staying absolutely stagnant in one spot. That's how people grow apart. Sometimes one person grows and the other doesn't. I think he never had any intention of taking on the real commitment and being a provider, husband, co-mortgager, etc. From this perspective, I can see that he never matured in some really vital ways. I feel sad for that, because he does have great potential, but he lacks confidence and tenacity. He's tenacious as hell in an argument, but unable to maintain momentum to his benefit in the things that count. Like life management, career, and goal achievement. Talk about majoring on the minors. You need your tenacity to benefit your life, not make you an impossible debate partner. He's spectacular in ways, but he's just a little bit misguided and fully unable to see it. I most wish for him to realize and correct his course, because I'd like for him to be happy and fulfilled.

At this point, I am over the crappy little details and I just miss the good things about him and it's important to me to be friends with him. I feel like he is very important to my life and he should be in it. I love everything I ever loved about him. I recognize he was not willing or capable of doing better than he did. He is very bitter and unfriendly towards me. He acts like it is a requirement to hate someone once the relationship hasn't worked out and that's a shame. I believe that most of his anger and vitriol came from his own feelings of inadequacy. He did some really bad behaviors that he totally could have avoided, but I should have already given up on a future with him by that time. I shouldn't have let it continue to that point. He didn't want a real life commitment and you can't make yourself be something you just are not equipped to be. I wish he had just been honest. If he had been honest with me, I would have ended it a year sooner than it ended and saved myself a lot of grief.

I assume he is still smart and funny and I wish he could just be a friend. I am most disappointed in his inability to be civil and friendly. I am not one to ever hate an ex. I certainly don't hate him and I feel like if he is not able to hang in there when the going gets tough, it's good to know it before something really tragic happens. Bad things do happen, and will happen. Life is tough and I need someone I can count on no matter what. He showed me very clearly that he is not able to be that. He quits. As painful as it is, it's good to know before you get flattened by some terrible diagnosis or life event and need someone more than ever. I need someone who doesn't quit.

I don't quit. I am a friend to him whether or not he acknowledges or accepts it. I will continue to love what I love about him and maybe someday he will evolve and understand about what really matters in life. Winning the argument but failing to evolve isn't serving him well. I think that either he will be embarrassed someday that he was so rigid and cold to a person who really loved him, or he will die ignorant and still broken, never even approaching his true potential as a human being.

I hope, for his sake, it's not the latter.

spring - fall

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Words to Live By - 2015-03-04

Sunshiney - 2015-02-10

New and Improved - 2015-01-30

The Deep - 2014-12-30

In Love - 2014-12-29

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