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2003-09-11 - 5:25 p.m.

I HAVE A REALLY ANNOYING DOG.

Actually, Binky has an annoying dog. An infuriating, clumsy, goofy, emotionally neeeeeeedy, floppy, Fozzy Bear looking, no sense having, unlearner of lessons, named Abby.

On the other hand, my fabulous dog, Dagget, is a prince among dogs. He's very saucy. He does what he is supposed to do. He does not get muddy. He does not track mud onto my ultra-suede sofa. He finds a fence to be a worthy adversary. He does not climb fences like some misbehaving monkey, unlike Abby, the cocker spaniel from Hell.

OK - Dag does have one unsavory habit. Even though he has been neutered, he does hump the hedgehog toy relentlessly. He gives it Hell. He also humps the stuffed monkey. This is how he earned his endearing nickname "DAG-NASTY THE HOG HUMPING MONKEY LOVER". He goes by many names: Dagmire... Dagatollah... Dagamemnon... Dagnasty... Dagtavious... Dag-O-rama... and just plain Dag. He doesn't eat dog food, he eats Dag food. He doesn't have a dog house... he has a Dag house... you get the picture. He's my boy.

But let's get back to the evil, fence climbing, she-beast. Shall we?

This dog evidently cannot be kept in the confines of a fence. I'm afraid she is going to get her stupid self killed on the road. She leaves the back yard and comes around to the front, where she has already clawed the paint and some of the wood away from the door frame. Beating that ass only works for the moment, and then she is back, THE FREAKIN NANO-SECOND that the disciplining human disappears. She does not learn the lesson.

She's narrow enough to squeeze through the gap in the gate, but no... she climbs over the top like a monkey.

I am going to go out and buy a chain and her ass is about to be grounded. Worry not, concerned PETA supporters; for she shall not spend the rest of her miserable life languishing on a chain in the yard, though she deserves to.

When I get the rest of the yard privacy fenced, she won't be able to climb it and I will let her run free in the yard. But for now, I'm sick of her clawing the front door and running the neighborhood, Willy Nilly.

I'd like to just ring her ignorant neck and be done with it.

Could it possibly be time for PMS again already???

spring - fall

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