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2004-07-27 - 11:18 a.m.

Today I am right back in the worry soup.

Here's why: Myra has a doctor's appointment today. The people who were supposed to do her biopsy, didn't do it. They haven't done it still. They did run a whole bunch of CT scans of all her bones, and different body areas. Last night, I told Myra to call the doctor to ask if she even needs to come in today, because he is a pulmonologist (lung doctor) and he was supposed to read the results of the lung biopsy that didn't happen.

The office person told Myra that she does have to come in today, because "The doctor is going to diagnose you today".

If the doctor has a diagnosis, and he hasn't seen a lung biopsy, it means he was able to diagnose her from the other tests she has had, which are all tests to check for metastasis. (spreading of cancer) Therefore, I don't think he's going to say "Benign nodules young lady, go home and stop smoking." I think he is going to say she has cancer which has spread to a certain degree. The only question is to what degree? Now I hope to God she is not terminal.

Of course, I am jumping to conclusions, and I could be totally wrong about this, but I don't think the doctor could definitively diagnose the lung nodules as benign when there has been no biopsy. That only leaves the other tests, which were all about metastasis. If she has cancer in the other areas, there's really no need for a biopsy. She is going to call me as soon as she gets the info, before she goes to our parent's house. If it's bad news, she has to tell them.

So now I believe the dream I wrote about in my last entry was preparing me for the shit storm, and telling me that whatever happens, I can handle it and can adapt. Because my first reaction is: I CANNOT HANDLE THIS.

I am sick as a dog right now. I'm worried about my sister, I'm worried about her kids, my parents are going to be so devastated if she's sick.

I hope she calls soon so I can either get happy, or throw up and freak out. One or the other will be happening, probably within an hour.

spring - fall

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