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2003-07-21 - 9:59 p.m.

Just now, as I was walking back to my bedroom to update my journal, I was saying out loud to no one: "If there's a damn cricket in my gown...." and then the humor of that sentence got to me. It's funny, because that sentence sparked a horrible / funny memory from my past. Plus, I was actually thinking I might have to shuck my gown because it seemed likely that there could be a dastardly cricket-castaway hanging onto my silky night gown for dear life with it's hairy little legs of evil.

I have a morbid fear of crickets, directly because of a crickety incident that traumatized me in my tender youth. We had a scourge of crickets one year and the nasty little bastards were everywhere. I was staying at my Aunt and Uncle's house and was in the bathroom having my girlie bath for the evening. My night gown was on the floor (bad move)and I didn't notice the evil song of crickety chirplyness happening in the very room I was naked in.

I got out of the tub, dried off, lotioned, powdered, tossed my silky gown above my head and let it glide, nay float, effortlessly onto my nimble arms. I reached for my toothbrush and when I leaned I felt the eerie scritcha-scratch of hairy cricket legs. Not just 6 of them, either.


I gripped up my gown and twisted it practically backwards, because I felt the crickety evil on my BACK and as I looked down my own gown, I saw a flash of shiny black bug thorax. As I was twisting, I was also spinning to look at my back in the mirror. Sure enough, I could see TWO LUMPS OF CRICKET under my gown!!

I can't even express how horrifying that was for me, but I ripped that gown off in nothing flat. Whilst I ripped the gown off, I was also screaming bloody murder and doing this geeky galloping maneuver that I always do when I think there is a bug on me. That maneuver is no cooler when done naked.

I was deeply grateful to be in the locked bathroom alone when all this occurred. Had it been witnessed, I would have had to resign as a member of my family, because they would have never let me live it down.

Speaking of people who had to get naked in a hurry due to the insect world:

One time my sister was outside having a nature walk on her property with her little dog, Dottie. At some point, she stepped on a yellow jacket hive. The yellow jackets were flying up out of the ground at approximately the speed of light, and were stinging the dog. I think the yelps were what alerted Sister to the fact that something was horribly wrong. When she saw what was happening, she thought they had flown into her clothes, so she shucked down right there in her yard. I mean, girlfriend peeled out of some clothes in a hurry. Then she streaked around for a while doing the slappy-jerky-run-and-scream dance and she left the poor dog rolling and yelping. After that, Dottie's fur was white in the spots where she got stung.

Someone alert Alanis, because it was IRONIC that the dog's name was Dottie, and after being stung by the yellow jackets, SHE WAS.

spring - fall

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