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2006-02-06 - 10:31 p.m.

During my commute home today, I was contemplating my navel and thinking of some of the unfortunate lessons I have learned in my lifetime. I think there might be a decent entry to be gleaned from it. If I can help just one person, it will all have been worth it.

Lessons I learned the hard way:

This one is for the girls: Never play volleyball without a bra and while wearing a rough shirt. Unless you enjoy the sensation of having your nipples skinned.

Do not make lifetime decisions while you are young and stupid.

Do not tell people you are collecting rabbit figurines. If you tell people you are collecting rabbits, you will receive rabbits for every holiday for the rest of your natural life. Long after you are seething with hatred for their long floppy ears and their wee beady eyes, you'll still be receiving rabbits in every form and fashion imaginable.

Do not EVER jump off the monkey bars holding a red umbrella, expecting to float down like Mary Poppins. That is not what happens. What happens is your little red umbrella turns inside out and you hit the ground like a sack of bricks. (I was 9.)

Always close your eyes when you flip your pillow to the cool side. Avoid slapping your corneas with fabric at all costs.

Beware: Mama cats do not like to meet the neighbor's cat when the kittens are still tiny. Sometimes Mama cat will try to rip the neighbor lady a new asshole when she bounces in to introduce "Morris" to the babies.

Guard your chin, your shin bones, and your toes when you are around small children. If you are a boy, I don't need to tell you what else to guard. Kids zero in on these places and they always make it a special goal to hit, bash, maul, scrape, clobber, and otherwise injure these delicate areas.

Three year old boys WILL honk your hooters. So will 40 year old gay men. Everyone loves boobs.

Do not even bother wrapping up that shit you cooked with the shrimp in it. No one is going to eat that crap. Just toss it, before it has a chance to grow green fur.

Do not look at the roadkill. It will haunt you.

If you ever find exactly the perfect shade of lipstick for you, buy up as many tubes as you can afford, because that shade is about to be discontinued.

Don't let that fat bastard you call a cat run out of kitty bitties. If you do, he will hork his next serving of food so fast that he will blow chunks on the rug. He will NEVER blow chunks on the hard floor. He will always wait until he is on a bed or a carpeted area.

That's an even dozen. I guess that's enough words to live by for one entry. I experienced all these things first hand, so I can vouch for their suckitude.

Look out for the pot-holes of life. Some of them are disguised as good ideas.

spring - fall

13 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

Words to Live By - 2015-03-04

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New and Improved - 2015-01-30

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In Love - 2014-12-29

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