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2004-03-08 - 9:38 p.m.

I have figured out what stress comes from.

It comes from trying to make an impossible situation work out. Trying to force that square peg into the round hole. Using a hammer and a chisel on the freakin jigsaw puzzle of life.

When you are spending up your life trying desperately to make a crappy marriage work.... stress is the result.

When you try to make a crappy job situation work out right... stress city.

When you try to credit a nimrod with the common sense God gave a turnip, when really, all he will ever be is a mindless puppet for a much bigger asshole, you get stress.

Today, the stress was off me. I had a good work day. Now, bear in mind that the moon is in Libra and astrologically, I should be feeling pretty good today and tomorrow, but I really do feel like the stress is off me, at least for now, because I have resolved in my head to resign from my shitty job and stop trying to force a crappy situation to work out right.

I'm not happy living as a peon. I like being the consultant so much better. The "consultant" is treated with respect, while the "employee" is trampled like a road apple at the rodeo. It is unfortunate that the owner of my hospital has the mistaken idea in his mushy little head that he is better than the people who work for him. I am nobody's peon, and he is so very fortunate that I have spent my time and efforts on his little project.

I don't care what happens at the ole work place anymore. It's not mine to care about. I feel as if I have already resigned. I'm holding the actual paperwork back a few days. I may suck up a little easy money before I go, gather up a few more clients to make the transition easier financially, but then again, I could resign tomorrow. That is part of the pressure release. I know that if it feels unbearable at any point, I can just resign.

AND NOW ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE:

I finally went to see "Monster". At no point before I went to this movie, did I suspect it would be sad. I know the real story well, and I've seen documentaries with footage of Aileen Wournos telling her story, and I always felt bad for her. Don't get me wrong - what she did was very bad, very wrong, uncondonable, but she was such a damaged person that some kind of severe deviance should have been expected. She is a prime example of what happens when you take an innocent child and abuse abuse abuse him or her. These people are potential powder kegs. She grew up to be abused some more. She needed some help somewhere along the way before she started killing people.

Anyway, I was freakin devastated by the movie. I have no idea why I didn't realize this would be very sad to me. I knew how the story was going to turn out.

The two things that bothered me most were the fact that she had never been loved before and she wanted it so bad. That, and the fact that she wanted her girl to get away, even though she knew the girl ratted her out. The one person she felt love for and from, betrayed her in order to live a good life and Aileen just loved her still and chose to let her go rather than trying to take her down.

That was in the original story too. That wasn't something they added in to romanticize it.

I cried like I'd lost my mama. I don't usually lose it like that. Especially in public. Freakin depressing movie. Charlene Theron did some awesome acting and I find the jokes about her offensive. There have been lots of skits and jokes in the press about how she just "played an ugly person". It makes light of the acting job she did. I thought it was really good and heartbreaking.

I'm getting to be such a softie.

spring - fall

2 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

Words to Live By - 2015-03-04

Sunshiney - 2015-02-10

New and Improved - 2015-01-30

The Deep - 2014-12-30

In Love - 2014-12-29


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