SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, I MANAGED TO LOCATE AND MARRY THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING HUMAN.
Our marriage failed for other reasons besides his being THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER, but those things aren't always fun to write about. I'm sure I'll get around to the whole sordid ordeal eventually.
I love my ex, to this day, but he still sends me over the edge within a very short time of being around him. I can safely say he made me mad every single day of my life while I was married to him.
I don't know if I can give an adequate description of why he could worry the horns off a billy goat, but he's annoying to everyone, not just me.
Let's see... he is LOUD and DEMONSTRATIVE all the time. Every day. Non-stop. Like a hyperactive child. He is THE most talkative male person I have ever met anywhere at any time. He never shuts the Hell up. He's hyper-religious, a trait he got from his mother. (the second most annoying person ever.) My ex has to have a lot of special attention and he does weird things to get attention. Much like a 4 year old would do. For example: He thinks he has to eat out of a special dish. Drinks coffee from a special cup, likes to have a special chair that no one else sits in. Gets upset if the dog doesn't like him best. He has to do some kind of long drawn out ritual before he eats certain things, like fruit. He always peels and cuts up fruit and puts it in the freezer to get frozen before he eats it. He can make an all day affair out of a slice of watermelon.
One day I heard myself scream "Why can't you just eat your food like A NORMAL PERRRRSSSOOONNNN???!!!!?!?!?!
Those little things used to irritate the peanuts out of me at times.
Suffice it to say, the boy is annoying. At all times. When he sleeps, he puts his feet flat on the mattress, knees up in the air, and let's them slide slowly down until he is lying flat. Then he pulls his legs up again and starts all over. I call this "skiing". He is asleep while he is doing this. His "skiing" ruined many a nights sleep for me. He also will throw one arm straight up in the air and then lightly drag the fingertips of his other hand up and down his arm.
IN. HIS. SLEEP.
Sounds like a nut case, doesn't he? To his credit, he is a sweet guy, very neat in appearance, good looking fella, sort of happy go lucky when he's not enraged, likeable in small doses.
My daughter loves her dad, but he irritates the crap out of her within about 6 minutes of talking on the phone or being in his presence.
She left Thursday on a trip to spend 10 days with him and his second wife and by Friday, not even 24 hours later, she called me and in a muffled voice she said
"MOM! They're driving me craaaaaaaazy. There's a 20 minute prayer before we do anything, I'm completely TRAPPED with these two, everything they have smells like cigarettes, MY THROAT IS BURNING!! and the POOR-MOUTHING NEVER STOPS!!!"
She went on to say "I asked if we could stop by a store to get the ingredients for me to make them a cheesecake and they say 'oh honey, I don't know if we can afford that.' IT'S A DOLLAR!!! MAYBE TWO!! I told them I'd pay for it."
She's afraid they'll keep her captive in their house out in the boonies (which has NO CABLE!!!) and she won't get to see her cousins enough and that is one of the main things she went there for.
She's going to come home fully irritated and we will have to deprogram her. **sigh**
She was already pissed because her dad didn't pay for her plane ticket. He didn't even pitch in. He invited his child to come visit and then didn't help pay the travel expenses. For some reason, they want us to think they are about 50 cents away from homeless. He works full time, granted, I make about 3 times as much as he does, but still, he gets a paycheck every 2 weeks and she works for the postal service and I know they make between 15-20 bucks an hour, so how could it possibly be that they can't afford 2 packages of cream cheese and a freakin pie shell???
I'm not asking him for any money, I support Bink myself. We are truly puzzled as to why he would keep on poor-mouthing.
Thank the Lord in heaven for divorce. Beautiful, peaceful, precious divorce.
Well, this was sort of ugly of me to say all this. But it is so true. And I haven't fully expressed the crazy level of butt-puckering aggravation he inspires in all who cross his path. I used to keep a hand-written journal that was just for venting my frustration about his annoying ass. I'll bet that would be some funny reading.
Now that I've told all this stuff, I feel compelled to tell one of the things he used to do that was lovable. He used to get up very early for work and I didn't have to be up yet, so he would make coffee and put it in the coffee butler and set it up right next to my chair with a coffee cup upside down on a saucer. I always thought that was very sweet.
I like his wife and I think they are perfect for each other. They are quite similar in a lot of ways. They are currently tag teaming my child and annoying her senseless, but this is the price we pay, I guess.