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2003-10-22 - 6:05 p.m.


I don't know if anyone has picked up on this, but I am a maniac who loves to scare people. It's a trait I share with my sister, the vampire formerly known as myramains .

Well, we're into the Edge of Madness, friends. We're in it up to our spooky eyeballs. Myra is out there scaring people as a "Roamer". Roaming and scaring people in the lines and such. I am in the planning phase for next year. Myra and I have been asked to be the persons responsible for scaring and entertaining the people next year while they wait in line or wander around between the 3 spook houses, the climbing wall, and the other do-dads they have.

We are meeting with the owner of the place and a guy who worked for Alice Cooper, next month, to make plans for next year. If they would match my salary, I'd quit my job tonight and be a full time scare planner.

Anyways... one of the things I'd like to do next year is set up a fortune telling booth. I'm envisioning the booth as a small booth with a glass or plexi-glass front, so that it can have a sheer curtain between me and the people. They will be able to see the shape of a woman sitting there, but they won't see the disturbing eyes and other such details until I slowly raise the curtain upon hearing them ring for service. This booth should look as "Carnivale" as possible. As for my costume, I am thinking I should wear a veil and scarves on my head so that all they really see is my eyes with some spooky awful contacts in. The veil would also conceal a voice distorter that I have. It makes my voice sound demonic. So the first startle will come when they see my eyes, and the second when they hear my voice. Then there are the fortunes...

Naturally, they are all horrible. I've written a few and I'll write more. Some are scarey and some are funny.

Here are the ones I have so far:

Before the next full moon, the brown recluse spider that slumbers nightly in your ear canal will bite you, causing your brain to swell and eventually rot. You will die in screaming agony. Get your affairs in order.


Your sanity will begin to slip from you as you tour the Haunted Manor House. Each night you will relive the horrors you witnessed there, until your fragile psyche snaps, rendering you a hopeless, drooling, lunatic, destined to live out your days in a padded room with only your 7 alter egos to keep you company.


You are cursed. Thirteen days from now, your breath will begin to reek of cow manure. No amount of brushing and flossing will flush out this putrid stench. As a result, no one will ever love you and you will die alone, a miserable husk of flesh, praying for final relief.


You will soon be attacked by a rabid opossum. You will shriek in terror as the inch-long teeth sink into your face again and again. You will escape death in that moment, but will succumb shortly thereafter, when the long and painful series of rabies shots fails to save you from a slow and agonizing descent into madness and death.


Thriteen days before your next birthday, a chunk of blue ice from an airplane toilet, will fall from the heavens and shatter your skull. You will live, but no metal plate will save your fragmented cranium, so your head will become a gelatinous lump and you will live out your incredibly long life, completely immobile, as the slightest movement will cause searing pain to burn through your every atom and cell. Wow. Sucks to be you.


The Bad News: You are definitely going to Hell when you shuffle off this mortal coil. The Really Bad News: Your personalized Hell will consist of being stung repeatedly by scorpions and hornets, every hour, on the hour, for all eternity. The Good News: You can never die, because the afterlife is eternal... OH WAIT.... That's the Really Really Bad News.


Law officials will find several small corpses in shallow, makeshift graves, on your property. Even though you are innocent, you will be branded a child murderer, and tortured relentlessly by the other inmates until finally, the last flicker of life is stomped out of your battered skull on the gritty floor of the prison bathroom. Your memory will be hated and reviled.


The next lie you tell will cause one of your taste buds to swell to hideous proportions. Gangrene will set in and your entire tongue will rot. People will cruelly make fun of you for your foul breath and your speech impediment.


Just give up on life right now. For you are doomed. Your miserable existance and horrible, protracted demise will be the stuff of tragedy movies and horror flicks in years to come. The best part of your future will come when your brain ceases to function and you are finally relieved of all conscious thought.


One of the "monsters" in the Haunted House will suffer a psychotic break and chew your throat out as the entertained audience watches, believing it to be a part of the show. Your screams will be real, but the crowd will squeal and thrill as you gurgle on your own blood.


You will soon grow a pimple on your face that will never die. It will grow a bone structure, sprout hairs, and develop a face of its own, which will curse loudly and make rude comments to all who come near you. When you die, it will drag your rotting corpse behind it with the sheer force of its will.


You are cursed. Every night of your life, after the next new moon, you will languish in the pit of Hell during your slumbering hours. You will be tortured relentlessly by horrific demons, you will scream for mercy but none will come, until dawns early light awakens you into each new miserable day. Never to rest again, you will suffer this fate until death comes finally to claim you.


There is Good News! You will be FAMOUS! In a freak incident at the local zoo, a renegade baboon will break free of his cage and bite you on the leg. It will become infected and you will narrowly escape death. Over the next 2 weeks, to your growing horror, your behind will become red and swollen, like a baboons', your facial features will begin to resemble Ted Danson, and coarse hair will grow all over your body, except the red areas. A movie will be made about you. It will be titled "Monkey Butt".


So that's what I have so far. It was so fun writing those. Try your hand at fortune writing and post them in my comments if you dare... I might use them.

spring - fall

13 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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