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2004-01-27 - 10:51 a.m.

BORING HOSPITAL

1000 GETMEOUTTAHERE STREET

(555) 555-1000

HISTORY AND PHYSICAL

Patient Name: WILBERTEETS

MR #00-00-50

Admit Date: 1/27/04

CHIEF COMPLAINT: Sick (of working)

HISTORY OF CURRENT COMPLAINT: Ms. Wilber Teets is a youthful appearing female who seems to be “just don’t caring”. The patient states that all the fun has been squeezed out of this job and she has frequent feelings of wanting to shove a stop sign into the rectum of some random co-worker. Feelings of hostility are noted. The patient is being admitted for observation.

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Essentially non-contributory. The patient states that most of her difficulties are exacerbated by being surrounded by assholes and imbeciles.

CODE STATUS: FULL CODE

MEDICATIONS:

Wallabe Darned, 3 mugs, prn for stress

SOCIAL HISTORY: The patient lives in a house with her sister, her daughter, an 8 year old male lesbian, alcoholic, Elvis impersonator, a 2 year old tyrant, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 1 ferret, 2 gerbils and Calgon has refused to take her away. She drinks occasionally, but if you see her smoking, she must be on fire.

CLINICAL EXAM: Well-developed, well-nourished female, alert and oriented x 3. The patient knew her name, the date, and several funny parrot jokes.

VITAL SIGNS: Stable at present

HEAD: Normocephalic. Red hair, in slight disarray. Angry affect.

NECK: Patient reports “pain in the neck”. It is unclear whether she is referring to her actual neck, or her boss.

CHEST: Clear to auscultation and percussion. And what a rack.

ABDOMEN: Non-tender, non-distended. No food in stomach. Loud stomach growls. When the hell is lunch?

EXTREMITIES: Fingers are extremely tired of typing. Digits frozen into “claws of death” position. Ass is sore from sitting at her desk. Knees are locked in the “under the desk” position.

NEUROLOGICAL: Cranial nerves intact, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

ASSESSMENT: Acutely sick of working.

PLAN: This patient will receive a full body massage at 5:00 pm this afternoon, followed by a leisurely dinner at the restaurant of her choice, and then relaxation in front of the television for some American Idol therapy. A few days off will be arranged, possibly next week. Patient should be given a huge raise and more time off.

_____________________________

Dr. Kavorkian

spring - fall

4 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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