2003-08-13 - 5:45 p.m.
LET'S TALK ABOUT GETTING BUCK ASS NEKKID WITH STRANGERS IN A SPA, SHALL WE?
My first spa experience was pretty intimidating at first, but I got over it, folks, because a massage was involved. I can get over lots of harrowing details if there is massaging going on. I once let a scary toothless guy named Cecil rub my head one day at work. The conversation went something like this:
"NO! Get away from me!! Don't touch me you freak!!! You have no right to..... hey.. Yeah... Riiiiiiight therrrrrrrrre. G'head. Woohoo Cecil, where'd you learn to.... WHOA YEAH BABY... Keep doing that. mmmmmm aaahhhhhh."
Cause I loves me a massage.
Let's enter the spa:
The door to ecstacy
So here goes me... all up in the spa.
The first problem was being told to go in the little dressing room and take off *everything*. Once you are all nekkid and vulnerable, you open the door to the little dressing room and the attendant (a little old lady) comes to wrap you in a sheet, Toga style. Only I was too shy for that the first time around. I am the dumb ass who insisted on wrapping my own toga. My toga wrapping skills left something to be desired, so I just walked around clutching my sheet like an idiot, hoping I wasn't flashing everyone behind me. Everyone else looked like egyptian princesses, and I looked like a fool clutching a bed sheet and losing the battle to keep covered.
But that was short lived, because pretty soon, it's time to get into the deeeeep luxurious old fashioned bath tub. The worker lady yanks your sheet right off your back and you're standing there exposed. The embarassment of that moment is replaced by the thought "Oh Hell, she's seen it all now, so I might as well just relax."
Here's me relaxing in the tub: har har
I look just like this when I bathe
Actually, the water is much deeper than that. You are submerged in it up to your neck, or at least your shoulders.
You slide into that tub and the water is pure mineral water that was in the ground when Jesus was on earth. It comes out of the mountain at 143 degrees farenheit.
The spa has water tanked which has been allowed to cool so that it can be mixed with the hot water that is piped in directly from the mountain, and the bath is drawn at just the right temperature.
They give you a hot cup of mineral water to drink; it's good for you and helps you get rid of toxins. The timer is set for 20 minutes and the attendant turns on your jet, which is so strong that the first time I felt it, I was afraid to put my skin directly in front of it. It swirls the whole tub of water around you and you can put your feet and legs right in front of the jet and it feels like a deep massage.
After the bath, it's time to lay on the table and cool off. The attendant re-wraps you in your toga, and situates you on a chaise type thing with a cushion under your knees and a cool towel wrapped around your face. You just lay there and relax for a little while. Here is how that looks:
After about 10 or 15 minutes, it's time for a shower. They have the coolest shower ever. There are pipes that run the length of your body and all around the stall. The pipes have pin holes so the water shoots out at countless points and you feel the shower water hitting every where at once. There are great smelling spa products in the shower for the customer to use. It's mahvelous.
Then they wrap you up again, they'll dry you off if you let them. They have no shame. They've seen it all.
Then it is time to lay under a fan and relax with a cool mineral water, bringing your body to a comfortable temperature inside and out. When your turn comes up, you get a 20 minute full body massage. They use HOT lotion to make their hands slide over the skin easier. People, this is what it's all about. Get thee to a spa and feel the wonder. It is too fantastic for mere words to express.
When you get up from that massage, you are fully relaxed, and a total wet noodle. People walk around with bewildered looks on their faces, hair sticking out in all kinds of wrong ways. No longer caring...
All you want to do is go lay down in your room. You can't do a high energy activity right after that. I think it's best to have the spa treatment in the afternoon and plan nothing else for that evening other than going out to dinner.
In the morning at the Majestic, which is where I like to go, they have the most glutton-fabulous breakfast buffet you ever laid a lip over. They have everything imaginable. It's free with certain package deals at the hotel and only 3 bucks otherwise.
Here's a picture of a kid who probably cringes when he sees this humiliating shot of him looking like a 'tard. He looks like some kind of crazed biscuit whore because he's so damn glad to see this breakfast. I probably make that same face when I approach the glory that is the Majestic breakfast buffet. Here it is:
"Hoo Buddy, I loves me some Brekkus"
Incidentally, I don't know that kid. These are not personal photos.
I am ready to go!!! But I must wait until the leaves change colors. Last year I went in June and again in October, but the leaves were still green in mid October. I want to see the full autumn leaf thing happening. I'm thinking November is the ticket.
spring - fall
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