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2006-02-27 - 9:21 p.m.

If you are going to play any games of make-believe with my 4 year old niece, there are a few things you need to know in advance:

You must always remember that she is a girl, she is a beautiful princess, or mermaid, or butterfly, and she can kick your ass.

When playing "Butterfly" with her, never, EVER tell her that she is a mosquito, while you are the beautiful butterfly from the Lunestra commercials. Do not flap your wings, because this enrages the mosquito.

You must *always* allow her to be the princess, the girl, or the butterfly and you must allow her to say that you are a toad, a boy, or an ugly and inferior girl, with short hair. This is the only way to quiet the evil.

If the beautiful girl on the show or commercial has blond hair, you must allow the 4 year old to claim her, because she herself, has blond hair. If you happen to be watching "Family Guy", you must not mention that Chris has blond hair. This enrages the 4 year old. Do not even mention Stewie. She will open up a can of whoop ass on you.

If the commercial for the mermaid movie comes on, do not move. Do not even look at the TV. One wiggle of one eyebrow can cause a meltdown. If you actually say you are the mermaid, prepare yourself for attack. Upon hearing this blasphemy, the 4 year old will emit a high decibel battle cry and start windmilling in your general direction.

The most important rule of all: Do NOT, under any circumstances, refer to my niece as Flavah Flav! She will go buck wild on your ass. Once the F bomb has been dropped, the child will remain on the ragged edge of disaster for a while. Any low level mimicking of Flav's voice doing the Flavah Flav call will send her over the edge, straight into the abyss. Do not ask her if she would like a big clock to wear around her neck. This will only increase the agitation.

Good luck, and God be with you.

spring - fall

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