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2004-09-22 - 9:51 p.m.

Today class, we're going to talk about masturbation.

Unfortunately, I had to explain masturbation to the nephew over dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. There is something about eating out in restaurants that makes the boy start spouting inappropriate comments and noises. Each and every time we attempt a family dinner out, the boy embarrasses the adults and Libby makes a huge mess and throws a fit. The restaurant workers must hate to see us coming in the door.

We have had some pretty serious talks with the boy about inappropriate comments and recently we told him that he is not allowed to make reference to his private parts, or anyone elses, or bodily functions, or gross things, or anything he couldn't say in front of "Mamaw" without her getting upset.

We thought we had the bases all covered.

How very wrong.

At the Outback, Mr. Mouth starts doing a Joe Cartoon script that he shouldn't even know about, and it's all about spanking the monkey. I kept nudging him and telling him to stop talking about monkies and spanking. He keeps on going, because no one has slapped his teeth out yet, and he's laughing like he knows what it all means. Here's how the next little exchange went:

Me: "I warned you about making inappropriate comments in public"

Him: "What? I'm not saying anything bad."

Me: "Stop talking about that right now."

Him: "Stop talking about WHAT Mimi? I'm not saying anything bad."

Me: "You are talking about spanking your monkey."

Him: "What's that mean?"

Me: "Masturbation."

Him: "What's that?"

Me: You don't know what masturbation is?"

Him: giggle. "No. What?"


Him: "giggle giggle snort guffaw laugh choke giggle."

Me: "Now shut up about it. All the adults out in public know what spanking the monkey is and everyone has heard you going on and on about how you're gonna spank your monkey and everyone is going to watch."

Him: more giggling,blushing, general embarrassment. "Oh."

I shudder to think how many people he has done that routine in front of. I think Myra should move to Amish country with her two kids and not allow them any more access to any type of media. The boy should be given nothing but a pet rock and a few Mark Twain books to pass his time.


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