It's been a rather crappy day. I have felt sad all day long because of that damn dream I told in my last entry. I can't talk about the dream without crying. It's ridiculous. I have no real reason to be crying and yet, I just want to mourn. This is exactly how I feel when someone is going to die.
I called my ex and told him all about the dream. I gave him every last gritty detail. At first he thought I was just feeling bad because maybe I was feeling like I hadn't really done every single thing I could have done to save our marriage, but to me, the marital regrets were secondary to the inexplainable feeling of mourning that I have had all day. I recognize it, because it happens to me from time to time and usually, it signals the death of someone I love. Since my sadness is about him, I would expect that he may be the one who is in danger.
When I cried like this over my father in law, he didn't die right away, but I never saw him alive again. It's like my spirit knows it's the end of something.
Anyway... I feel sad and I have no reason to feel this way, so I am worried. I told my ex how I feel about everything and told him I love him and that I want him to know that. I don't want anything to happen to one of us without putting aside my usual superficial bullshit and telling him exactly how I feel. It turned out pretty well. He loves me too. We got some things said that needed to be said. If anything does happen to him, I will have the assurance that he knew I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I've told him before, but it was important to say it again tonight. I have learned to follow my intuition on that.
This was an emotional day. It is a full moon in pisces, which is an emotional moon. I think I have subconsciously realized that I probably could have saved my marriage and just didn't. Thank you Dr. Phil, for that fucked up insight. I have been watching a lot of Dr. Phil and noticing that people can come back from any kind of horrendous bullshit if they both are willing to do what it takes. I don't want to have to consistently struggle like that again though. My ex and I had nothing in common and the sad fact is that in order for one of us to be happy, the other had to be unhappy and every single thing had to be a severe compromise for one of us because we saw absolutely nothing in the same way.
I believe the woman he married after our divorce is a much better match for him and someday I'll find someone who can tolerate my crazy self.
I'd like to think that next time around I'll be wiser and better equipped for the challenge.