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2004-08-30 - 12:09 p.m.

I had a really bad dream that is sticking with me. I wrote it down in my little dream journal with as many details as I could remember. It was torturously sad and remorse-filled.

I dreamed that my ex-husband was on death row for "dishonesty" and it was his execution date. His crime was not anything that would ever be considered a capital offense in real life. He was accused of benefitting from some deception that he had allowed to go on. He could have been honest and things would have been different, but he was dishonest in some low level way and somehow, this was considered an offense worthy of the death penalty. (He really was always dishonest in our marriage in both low and high level ways and it was one of the things that caused the marriage to end)

I was at the prison with my parents and my kid, to say goodbye to him. I had been consistently putting the whole situation out of my mind, during his conviction and jail time, because it was so unpleasant, and I wasn't realizing the seriousness of the situation. Even while I was there, to say goodbye at his execution, I was not facing facts. I brought him some pizza to eat. A big pepperoni pizza in a cardboard pizza box. I had gone in to see him and we had sort of joked with each other about me being finally rid of him and that sort of thing and I had not shown him how really truly upset I was and how much I really loved him. I had allowed my goodbyes to be very superficial and I had allowed him to be superficial. I actually felt glad that I kept it superficial, because in doing so, I avoided the big emotional scene, which is something I do at all costs, usually.

It was my mom's turn to go in and she was a wreck. My mom is right out there with her feelings and she doesn't care how wrenching the situation gets, she is going to show her feelings. She had been crying all day. She came out when her turn was done and said he didn't eat his food and she wanted me to go back in there and get him to eat. I was thinking "You're crazy. Go back in there and get sad? I don't think so." My dad was pacing. He was very upset in his dadly way. Christy was ready to go in and she was very anxious to see him. She was almost happy, because it was a visit and she doesn't see her dad enough. She was sad, but she didn't realize the seriousness of what was going on.

While all this was going on, it started to dawn on me that I could have done something to prevent this from happening. I could have clarified things or gotten him to do the right thing and if only I had done it sooner, he wouldn't be in this mess. I knew there wasn't time for an appeal. My unwillingness to face reality was going to cost us his life. It wasn't really my fault that got him into the mess, but I could have gotten him out of it.

I felt so bad about it, that I abandoned my superficial avoidant stance and went back in there. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it even now. I went in and told him that I loved him and was so very sad that this was happening and I started explaining to him how I could have helped, but he was sort of in shock and resigned to the fact that he was going to die. He wasn't really very open to what I was saying. He was telling me "don't worry about it" and "it's ok". I was getting more and more upset by the minute and all of a sudden he looked upward and said "Mama is getting very close now." His mother passed away a few years ago and he was talking about her coming to get him. It was like he was already fading away.

I was struck by the fact that he looked just like he did when he was 24. It took me back to when we first got married and it was just heartbreaking. I told him how I felt and didn't hold anything back. I told him he didn't deserve to die and that I was going to be sad forever because of this. I got absolutely real with my feelings about him and about our past and everything. I told him I was going to try to tell them he was innocent anyway, even though the time was up and they probably wouldn't listen. I had to go get our daughter, so she could see him one more time.

Later, when it was time for the execution to happen, we were all in the holding room that he had been in. My parents, me, the kid, my ex, and the 3 officials. There was no glass partition or anything. We were just all in this small room. There was a table set up and on it was a candle. This candle had poison in it. The executioner was going to light the candle and the smoke of it was lethal. It was right in front of my ex, and he would breathe the poison smoke and die.

I started telling the officials what I thought would show that my ex didn't deserve to die. I told them he didn't tell the lies or engineer this thing to happen, he just failed to clarify and that while his actions were wrong, they were not a capital offense. They weren't listening to me, so I got really frantic and started talking directly to the guy who was going to light the candle. I said "You are a murderer. You are going to take a life that is not yours to take. You are killing someone who does not deserve to die and God almighty is going to deal with you. Murderer!!" I became completely wild. I was screaming "Murderer!!!"

And I woke up.

And I feel like crying. I feel like crying in a way that scares me. I don't know if I am having a realization that I should have done more to save my doomed marriage, or if I should be worried about my ex. Sometimes when I get someone on my mind, there's a reason for it. I hope he's not in danger. I'm going to call him later. Or maybe now.

He should be at work right now and I probably won't be able to get him on the phone. I've been upset for a couple of hours now and that worries me. I have to try to call him right now.

spring - fall

2 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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