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2004-02-12 - 6:44 p.m.

I HAVE A VERY BAD STORY TO TELL. No, not that one. You can relax.

Today's story is about what happens when a person weighs 500 lbs.

We have a female patient who weighs over 500 lbs. I feel very sorry for her because it is my personal opinion that a person does not reach 500 lbs without some psychiatric factors. This is not just someone who likes potato chips too much.

This woman is so big she can't walk, dress herself, use the restroom unaided, or wash herself. She is what we in rehab call "total assistance". There is no dignity left in her life.

She has developed many sores over her skin where her fat has doubled over and the skin underneath does not receive sufficient oxygen. She has hanging fat all over her legs and of course, her abdomen covers her thighs and knees.

There is another area on her anatomy that doesn't get any oxygen. It's the beaver, the coochie, the poontang... It receives no air, and no water, and certainly no soap. And in the grand mamma jamma of all misfortunes, she has some kind of vaginal sore festering away in her nether regions.

Today an older nurse with yeeeeeeears of gorey experience was elected to take a culture of the pustulous oozing sore and she had to have 2 helpers to hold back the abdomen and leg fat that usually obstructs the vaginal area. Being short one therapy tech, she had to find a volunteer. The nurse was looking for someone to help and she came to my office.

Thank the good Lord in heaven above, I had gone to the restroom or the coffee pot or something and she got my assistant instead of me. I have a weak stomach and I guarantee I would have blown my lunch if I had been anywhere near the room when they did this unholy procedure.

With a person on each side, holding the fat up and away from the crotch, the nurse went in with the swab. I'm told the stench was absolutely nauseating, and it discombobulated this seasoned nurse to the point that she just turned around and wandered off, mid-procedure. She had to leave the room and regain her composure and let her stomach settle down a little.

She got it together, went back in and when the deed was done, this nurse came to my office white faced and still sick. She had to go outside and feel the cool air for a little while. Just hearing about this whole thing made me queasy. In fact, I'm not feeling so hot right now.

Naturally, I felt the need to share. I've already regaled Dan with the ... uh... juicy details, and of course he was overjoyed, or something.

I'm thinking if I ever get to the point where I can't swab my own thingy-ma-bobber, just freakin shoot me. That is no way to live. I can't imagine what gets her through each day and why she hasn't looked into a diet plan, a surgical procedure, or something so she can live a less torturous existance.

Medical people witness some serious horrors, folks.

spring - fall

16 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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