COME AND LISTEN TO A STORY 'BOUT A MAN NAMED JED...
Except it's a girl, named Teets, and her sister, who took issue with the name Twat, so let's call her Turdburglar. Wait, she won't like that either. How about Teet's Sister, shortened down to TS.
INTERESTING FACT ABOUT TEETS:
I'm allergic to bananas, and they give me what is known in the medical world as: "Mental Status Changes". In other words, I get stupid, giggly, and confused after eating bananas. This problem has almost brought me to destruction a time or two. The thing is, I love bananas and I still eat them once in awhile and suffer the consequences. I do not eat bananas through the week, because I seriously can't think straight or get my work done when I'm riding the banana pony.
Everyone who has to be around me knows I can't handle bananas, and now when I make a mistake, or say anything silly, people ask each other "Who gave her bananas?" They ask me "How many bananas have you had?" When I am under the influence, we call it "Nannerfied", "Nannerific", or "hopped up on the nanners". My name is Teets, and I'm a nannerholic.
OK - now you know my secret. A banana reference was made in comments, so I had to 'splain.
HERE'S THE DEAL WITH MY SISTER
I'm the older sibling, so I may have sort of tormented her *somewhat* while she was young and impressionable. I think this was necessary for her growth, as she is now a highly sought after radio talent due to her wack personality which is a result of my gentle psyche shaping. Also, as the older sibling, it was my JOB to torment her. It was bigger than the both of us, and I couldn't buck the system.
Basically, she was my guinea pig for pranks. I made scary tape recordings and placed the boom box in my closet so that she would hear the scary voices coming out of her closet. The recordings were timed with blank tape for the first part of the tape, so that she would be in bed for a good 15 minutes before she started hearing stuff, and in the meantime, I was out in the living room with my parents, looking innocent. This joke worked really reeeeeeally well.
She had a crazy and unreasonable fear of skeletons and jack-o-lanterns, and this gave me many hours of fun. I had a rubber skeleton that glowed in the dark. I used to sneak it into her room and place it some place unnoticable. After the lights went out, she would eventually notice the glowing skeleton and start yelling for mom. I would be all pins and needles, waiting for her to yell. (snicker chortle guffaw)
Then there was the Jack-O-Lantern. Once, I put a plastic one in her bed, on her pillow, and I put more pillows in her bed so she would think I was in there and snatch the covers off, exposing the horrible sight of a "punkin head". This worked like a charm, and as a BONUS, when she snatched off the covers, the punkin head rolled out of the bed and landed at her feet. She had a wall-eyed screaming hissy fit. I was watching from her closet, laughing myself weak.
She had a beloved pooh bear, and she thought this bear was sacred or something, so I used to do things to it. Most often I would sneak in her room and hang pooh with a panty hose noose. This antagonized the crap out of her and therefore was high comedy for me.
I also pulled a trick on her, regrettably, that involved a rabbit turd. I said "Open your mouth and close you eyes and I will give you a biiiiig surprise! She did it, and I put a rabbit turd in her mouth. She forgave me, and yet... she brings it up, ya know?? hehe. I feel kinda bad about the rabbit turd.
One time, near christmas, we were shaking presents, and one of my presents was obviously in a shoe box, and was the right weight, and feel for slippers. My sister was JAZZED about handling presents and she held that box up to me and said "You'll NEVER EVER guess what's in this present!!!! So without missing a beat, I flatly said "SLIPPERS". And she made one of the funniest expressions I've ever seen. She looked like someone had just slapped her in the face. Utter shock. It was hilarious. There was certainly no doubt that I guessed correctly about the gift. It was so funny, because she was a little kid and she truly thought I'd never be able to guess.
I did sneak into the bathroom one time when she was in the tub and douse her with cold water. That was bad. I wondered what a person would do if they were in the tub and suddenly got SPLOOSHED with very cold water. Turns out, they'd cry. Felt bad about that one.
OK - I was awful. However, I didn't let anyone else be awful to her cause that was my job. She was hyperactive and got a lot of spankings when she was little and I used to beg mercy on her behalf. I used to tell mom "She didn't mean it. She won't do it anymore, please don't spank her". Now she has 2 little tazmanian devils just like herself and I'll bet mom is glad. Paybacks, man.
I regularly threatened people on her behalf, I put make up on her, did her hair, and I bought her stuff. My first job was in a concession stand and I used to bring home all kinds of candy for her. The boss would let us have stuff and I'd give it to her when I got home. I'm very glad I did a few nice things along the way, because I would feel really crappy about myself if it was all mean pranks and no happy stuff.
When I got married, my soldier husband used to go out to the field for weeks at a time and TS used to come over and stay with me. We used to amuse ourselves by making funny tapes with voice characters and songs that we wrote, and now that's what she does for a living. She gets to create, while I do records administration work.
So, we're very close and I love my sister (insert sappy paragraph here)and when we are old we will probably live together in a big house with a whole lot of cats.
ONE MO' THANG:
We are not allowed to be on the same pictionary team, because we can read each other's mind. We can stomp any group at that game because I can draw a straight line and a dot and she'll scream an answer and be right. We are feared and hated by Pictionary players in a certain little hick town.
Um, the end.