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2007-08-28 - 10:34 a.m.

There is a ginormous yellow and black, long leggedy "garden spider" living on one of my 2 porches. I took a picture, but it is on my camera, and the camera is at my apartment, and I am not. I'm wasting the company dime at the moment. Working hard, or hardly working, or some combination of the two.

Anyways, "garden spider" is a nice sounding name. A more appropriate sounding name would be "freakish hulking beast of fear and loathing". It appears to be roughly the size of my open hand, but in reality, it is more like the size of a paper clip box. That's way too damn big for a spider, ok? I now have chill bumps on my back, just thinking about the comparison.

Charlotte has built a bad mamma jamma of a death trap, I mean WEB, all over my porch area. I'm afraid to walk out there. If I touched that web and the beast moved, I'd go buck wild.

Matter of fact, my sister, purveyor of interesting factoids aplenty... informed me that garden spiders are quite entertaining and they do this cool trick where they bounce on their web to catch things. She said that if I just stuck my head out the door and blew on the web a little..... (do you know where this is going?)... the spider would think it was a bug and would start her delightful bouncing trick for my amusement.

My first instinct was the correct one. "Hell to the no" says I. So my sister, myramains keeps on cajoling until she convinces me to just stick my head out there "a little bit" and blow on the web. And my dumb ass did it. Mind you, I am absolutely horrified of this spider. If it got on me, I'd just flip out so bad that even I don't know what I would do.

So I carefully stuck my head out the door, shivering and gagging the whole way... scared it's going to move or something. I gathered my nerve and blasted a puff of air towards the web and watched - IN HORROR - as the spider felt the air and reacted by SCURRYING at roughly the speed of light, directly towards my face.

Screaming, flailing, the crazy dance, door slamming, throaty gutteral cursing... it all took place in that moment. Did I mention .. laughter? sisterly laughter? That also happened in that moment. Ah... rare are the times when she gets to laugh while I freak out. Usually it is the other way around.

I did not get to see the nifty web bouncing trick, but somehow, my curiosity on that matter died a sudden death, right about the time that hulking beast of a spider made a run for my face.

I'm just glad it didn't touch me.


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