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2004-06-14 - 2:10 a.m.

I had a horrible experience today.


There are 2 things you have to know before I launch into the horrific tale. I'm a nervous wreck, even still.

Thing 1 that you must know:

In Louisiana we have a creature called "water bug". It is a HUGE roach. As big as a madagascar flying cockroach. Big like those motherfuckers in the "Just Married" movie where the ginormus roach was on Ashton Kuchers neck. They come in the house at the beginning of summer, supposedly looking for water. (or to scare women) They are crazy and unpredictable. They can fly. The only good thing about them is they are not a constant presence. They don't live inside. They just come in when they're feeling froggy I guess.

Thing 2 that you must know:

We have "slippery" water in Louisiana that makes it hard to feel like you've rinsed off all the soap after a bath. Makes you slip easily in the tub, makes it hard to wash a baby without it shooting out of your hands like a greased pig.

OK - that said, here's what happened to me today:

I was in the shower, all soaped up, shampoo in my hair, and had only been in the shower for a little while when I got under the shower head and started rinsing the shampoo out of my hair. I turned around and happened to look up, and there, perched on the shower curtain rod, was a huge ass NASTY water bug, wearing a shower cap and holding a bath brush. (Ok, he wasn't, but he was big enough to.)

I was just about paralized with fear. The thought of being trapped in such a small space with that ugly bugger was just horrifying. I was scared to move, because they fly when you startle them. I was so scared that thing was going to jump on me. It was at least 2 inches long! Plus, the tub is slippery and I didn't want to fall down. So I carefully turned my head to look for a weapon. I had to use my washcloth. I decided to slap the bug with the wet washcloth and hopefully throw the whole thing over the shower curtain into the bathroom floor. I slapped and instead of sailing over the curtain rod, the thing doubled back on me. Apparently I couldn't unclutch my hand in my blind panic and when I made the move to THROW, my clutching hand didn't let go and the rag came back towards me. I just knew that bug was going to land right on me. So I screamed the scream of a horror movie victim and flailed a lot. This clever maneuvering resulted in the washcloth ending up draped over the other end of the curtain rod, bug still attached, excited, and rather energetic looking. So I just said "AW HELL NO" and snatched back the bug free side of the shower curtain. I didn't want to hop out all soapie like that, but then the damn bug dropped into the bathtub, so I had no choice but to hop.

I decided to rinse the soap out of my hair in the sink and right about the time I made that decision, I started to feel the unmistakable burn of shampoo in the eye. Perfect. I was also thinking about the fact that I had soap all over me. Not just in my hair. I started rinsing the hair and I put my eyes under the water to get the shampoo out and then I realized I could easily be assaulted by the nasty, vengeance seeking, freak of nature behind me while I'm helplessly leaned over the sink. This freaked me out too much to keep rinsing, so I said "fuck this" and stood up. I had water all over the bathroom. Water and suds. So I had to go back and do all out battle with the bug, flush him down the toilet, (he's swimming with the fishes) and then get back in the shower to rinse my hair and the rest of me.

At this point, there was no saving the whole shower experience. It was ruined for me.

I messed around all week and didn't call the exterminator. I am going to call them tomorrow and see about having the whole perimeter of the house sprayed to discourage the waterbugs. I hate them so bad.

Right now, I am dressed, but I have pulled my pants legs almost all the way up to my hips, because I am afraid a water bug will be crawling on my pants under this desk and I won't know. The fabric of my pants were touching me slightly and psyching me out, so I rolled them up. If a bug touches me, I'll feel it. This would be horrible too, but it's better than one getting in my clothes. ACK!

Exterminator! Tomorrow!!

spring - fall

10 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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