SO WE HAVE A LOCAL TARD THAT LIVES NEAR MY WORK PLACE...
He is about 45 I'd say, and he has some kind of heinous scoliosis going on, so that he walks crooked and one shoulder is hunched up quite a bit higher than the other. Even if he didn't have the hunchback effect, this guy would not be quite as handsome as Quasimodo. Fugly.com refused to post his picture. Too damn ugly.
He is not right. On many, many levels.
It may seem that I am unfeeling and cold blooded about this fellow's misfortune, but this is a guy who is unpleasant on a good day, and dangerous on a not-so-good day. He's very impulsive, impetuous, and surly.
He gets around like nobody's business. He used to have a truck of his own, but I think his driving privileges have been revoked. Even with no wheels, he's everywhere. His mother is elderly and she can't do a thing with him. She is pretty much at his mercy.
Lately, he has taken to doing more of his adorable antics than usual. He likes to taunt the drivers of the vehicles as they pass by on the street. Yesterday he did this weird maneuver in which he did something akin to the "walk like an egyptian" dance as I was driving past him on my way home after work. He maintains eye contact the whole time while he's doing one of his odd gestures.
Last week he was waiting for the cars to get close enough for him to pretend to be losing his balance and toppling out in front of the unsuspecting driver. I watched him do it to 3 or 4 cars before me. When he is waiting to pull one of his "tricks" he has this very obvious look on his face. It's like playing poker with a dog. He wags his tail. He's ever so transparent.
He's not smart enough to realize that everyone can see what he's doing. He thinks his trick just works over and over.
He looked ridiculous teetering on one foot with that stupid look on his face. I felt like swerving and making him think I was actually going to run him over. But then I would be stooping to his level, and he's a tard, right?
And that's funny.
So I repressed that urge. Such the lady am I.
One time he threatened to throw hot coffee on this lady I know, for no apparent reason. He asked her what she would do if he just suddenly pitched his coffee on her. She calmly told him she would press the security button before he could get his arm fully extended and he would be wrestled to the ground by a bunch of burly, aggressive, security men and escorted to the police station. Then she told him to hit the road and never come back or she was going to pick up the phone and call his mama. That backed him down.
A team of burly security men didn't bother him, but God please - don't call mama.
Shades of Norman Bates...
Every town has their nut cases. I would love it if you guys would tell me about your town's nut cases in the comments. We have a town bum, a town drunk, and our town loony.
Those of you in big cities probably think having just one town loony is a very funny concept, since big cities have scads of nut cases. But do tell... whatever you've got.