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2004-04-03 - 12:48 a.m.

I must share with you, Gentle Reader, one more story of misery from the website that brought you the tale of the unfortunate soul with internally growing hair.

Being gullible and having misplaced my bullshit-o-meter, I believed the story, unquestioningly, until everyone else who heard about it mentioned the unlikeliness of its validity.

So these stories may not be entirely true (although some clearly are) but they certainly are amusing and entertaining. The following story made me and myramains nearly bust a gut with laughter.

I humbly present to you, the story of Turd Gerbil:

I'm a 4'2", balding, port-a-let cleaner with dirty fingernails that lives with his step-mother. My dad died in an controversial felching accident when I was 5. Now they call me turd-gerbil. Instead of an asshole, I now have a nice cluster of hemorrhoidal "grapes" gently tucked between my butt cheeks and for some reason, they smell like clams. My last bowel movement was 9 days ago. They hurt so bad that every time I try to shit, I cry. Speaking of shit, a hooker shit diarrhea in my eyes four months ago... I still can't see.

I have something resembling lava temperature pumpkin pie filling spilling from my cock and my right nut has swollen to at least 3 times the size of the other. I have a large, angry lump in my armpit that I swear makes noise, my cat shit in my bed, my sister is fucking all my friends, and someone keeps leaving little Cornish game hens stuffed with used condoms on my doorstep.

That would indeed be a sad life, were it true. The part that killed me and Myra is where he says he has a lump under his arm that makes noise. That's just wrong.

spring - fall

2 This comments thingy doesn't work now because I let my paid membership lapse.

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